Mad!

Sometimes knowing that there is someone out there with the same despair, anguish and anger can be all the consolation a person needs. This poem by a lady named Michelle describes my feelings, pain, sadness and anger. Understanding her provides me consolation and consolation brings me hope. I may not know her but I do pray for her and all the other mothers that are in despair, scared for the future and hurting in the present.

Mad
I am mad, so mad, that this disease is taking my life away from me and my kids!

I am mad that I can't work a job that I love,

I am mad that I can't play sports with my kids anymore,

I am mad that it hurts to stand and cook (one of my joys in life),

I am mad that I have to cancel so many plans we make because I am sick again,

I am mad that I don't look the same as I did a year ago,

I am mad that people I run into don't even recognize me after knowing them for years,

I am mad that I have to have help with my house and my yard,

I am mad that I can't run the simplest errands,

I am mad that I have to have these darn blood tests all the time,

I am mad that the meds are not working,

I am mad that I am in worse shape now with meds than I was when we started,

I am mad that I have to take pain meds to just make it through the day,

I am mad that I have to put my family in danger when I drive on the meds,

I am mad that I am dealing with this alone (no spouse),

I am mad that I can't bowl anymore,

I am mad that I can't paint my kitchen that needs it so badly,

I am mad that I can't get my oven clean enough because I can't bend over or be on my knees that long,

I am mad that I can not wrestle with my little God child who doesn't understand why Auntie Shell is sick and he can't always come over,

I am just plain mad,

mad at myself,

mad at my emotional state,

mad at my physical state,

just plain mad!!!

Michelle, written during a time of despair. The words might have been a little different, but the feelings expressed have been felt by us all at one time or another.copyright (c) March 1999

So proud of me...

Today I finally did what I promised myself weeks ago! I got up and headed straight for the bathroom! Took a shower, brushed my teeth and fixed my hair. I feel so energized! Wich was really necessary being in pain and having my bouncy pre-schooler at home! Right now I am going to fix myself a orange and grapefruit juice and a slice of toasted wholewheat and cheese. I hope I can keep this new found energy and perhaps even go for a walk with the lil one.

Well that's it really just wanted to share my lil moment of victory ;-)

First sewinglesson...

YEAH my sewinglesson was a great success! I was somewhat nervous stepping into a strangers house and having to stay there for 2 hours LOL I like to meet people and observe them from a distance not that outgoing I guess. Once I know someone it gets better but I am not the kind to open up to strangers. The lady was really nice and young (I know age should not matter but I live in a small white dutch village and well the elderly are not to eager on meeting foreigners or "allochtonen" as they refer to us here) and she lived in Amsterdam for several years wich made her more worldly (read used to black folks lol) than most.

At first I was a bit apprehensive about choosing a project so she encouraged me to flip through some sewingmagazines to get ideas. My eyes were caught by a beautiful white wrap vest/jacket it was beautiful and elegant and simple in it's design. I wasn't to sure if it was do-able for me as a first project but she seemed confident enough for both of us. I traced the pattern and even though it was quite tricky following the right lines for my size etc within minutes it felt as if I had been doing this for years. The time flew by and I can't wait till monday for my next lesson! This weekend I will be on a mission to find the right cloth for my vest, it's great to feel passionate!

Blessings!

Locs

I have always been facinated by locs and the people that wear them. The thing that facinates me most is the non combing and brushing lifestyle. I know I was born to have locs, I have a great dislike for combs, brushes or any other stylingtool, I hate blow dryers and chemicals and I hate people touching my head LOL I started twisting my head for locs on 2 occasions but both times the perfectionist in me took over and made me loose them out again. I want beautiful cultivated locs that I am able to wear in a bun in twists or cornrows depending on my mood. To achieve that good partings are essential and I am lousy at parting my own hair. My cousin (who just started her locs herself) found a friend of hers willing to help me start my locs! I am so exited but scared at the same time. But I know I am ready for locs, in my dreams I always have locs and when I wear twists I am most happy (till it's time to loose them again that is) so I am as ready as I will ever be to start with my journey!

29th of september will be D-day! I have done so much research in the last week that I am starting to feel like a loc-expert, now let's pray that once I have my locs I can apply all my new found knowledge!

This is my natural hair (dripping) wet no products (don't mind my panties :-o ):

These are some ladies with locs that I admire:

Blessings!

My virtual model

This is my goal!

This is reality for now ;-)

To reach this goal I will have to drop around 22 pounds!
Loosing 15 in the fallchallenge will be more than sufficient though! I am not planning to starve myself and knowing that I won't be able to go to the gym or move a lot for that matter I will have to achieve this by sensible eating only!

This affirmation has helped me in the passed to loose 20 pounds, and I am starting to say this to myself multiple times a day again! I know I will achieve my goals!

I am Chayil, my body is my temple I only bring healthy and fresh offers to my bodytemple!

Blessings!

Passion

As a young girl and teen I was very passionate about several things: my favorites where definately sewing and dancing. Due to all lifes challenges I lost my passion for these things and decided that it is about time that I demanded my passions back! This year I took Salsa lessons with my dh, it was great fun and it was a great way of getting closer to each other. Since dh does not have a lot of time on his hands for salsa due to personal goals of his own (wich I fully support him in!) we have put salsalessons on hold.
I did decide to take sewinglessons again to find that passion again. I haven't touched a sewingmachine for over 15 yrs except for the time I hemmed my curtains ;-) so lessons are definately a MUST!
This monday will be my first lesson and I am so exited! I feel like a lil kid waiting for the first day of school! I have so much ideas going around in my head of things I want to make I should make a list to see wich ones will be less challenging and therefor best to start with.

That's it for now!

Blessings!

Breathing excersises: getting ready for my fall challenge!

1 Do three sents of ten "Baywatch Bikini Breaths" That's thirthy total energy cocktails. Every day. It shouldn't take more tha five or six minutes eacht time you do a set of ten. it's a good idea to begin your day with a set of ten. That way your metablosm is off to a roaring start. You'll feel som much better and have so much more energy that you won't mind getting up a few minutes earlier. But if you should forget, don't beat yourself up. Just make sure you get them in before you go to bed. Remember, this plan is about ease, convenience, lowering strss. After meals is also a good time to whip out a set of ten. If at all possible, stand up when you do them. If you can't (remember the point is to DO them), fit them in while sitting in your office, driving the kids to soccer, or drying the dishers. Whatever you do, do thirty every day.

1) Stand up and say, " I am the greatest" - not only out load, but in your posture. Remember your body speaks volumes.
2) Take a long slow belly breath, inhaling through your nose.
3) Lock the breath inside your body and hold it for four times as long as you inhaled. For example, if you inhaled to the count of four, hold it to the count of sixteen.
4) Now, exhale through your mouth twice as long as you inhaled. Again, using the four example, exhale to the count of eight.

2 Take ten quick "KUNG FU BREATHS" before each meal. The key to health and a thin body is properly functioning digestive system. This simple breath only takes a few seconds, but it will stoke your digestive fires. Try to get in ten before every meal. If not ten do five.

1)Stand up. Remember these exercises can always be modified to suit your needs. Byt whenever you can, stand up and act as if you mean it.
2) As you inhale deeply through your nose, tilt your head back as if you are looking to see if there's dust in the chandeliers.
3) Pause for just a millisecond before ...
4) Exhaling forcefully through your mouth. Make a loud, definate "HA" sound as you bring your head back to its normal position.

3 Walk around the block (or for a minimum of five minutes) once a day with your mouth full of water.

I got these exercises from http://members.fotki.com/AnaisKarim/about she has amazing weightloss results so I am going to give these a try!